In 2018, the rate at which I read books, poetry, and everything in between significantly plummeted. Granted, it was because I was focused on academic and career goals that were of paramount importance to me: I worked hard in the office, got a new job, took the LSAT, and even submitted quite a few applications for law schools. I don’t regret investing in myself in that regard, but I’d be lying if I said that I missed that other part of me that isn’t described on a resume and a set of application numbers.

I have to admit that there were parts of me that were sidelined. I was so resolved to create the perfect application that I let myself think that all there was to me was a resume—but that’s not accurate at all. I love literature and art and music and movies and the beach, but I let those aspects of me wither.

If I were to describe the last 12 months, I would use the word “solitude”—not because I was alone or lonely or isolated, but because it was the first time in my life that I really had an opportunity to turn inward and be honestly self-appraising. I was free of the peripheral distractions that I usually was preoccupied with. I’ll admit there were moments where I felt breathless and where it seemed like all I was doing was changing clothes between events and activities, but I came to value those little moments to myself. I found that it’s in the little moments where we encounter ourselves most acutely. It happened one day when I was rereading Paul Reps and Nyogen Senzaki’s 1957 collection, Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, and a line from one of the short tales stood out to me:

“But remember that unless you meditate constantly your light of truth may go out” (Reps and Senzaki 67)

And in that moment, I had a moment of self-doubt: was all this hard work going to pay off? As any prospective law school student might tell you, hard work is necessary but not sufficient for success. It was only when I was reading On Writing, by Stephen King, that it all came together. And who’d have thought that it would involve some funny (but vulgar) turns of phrase?

“Sometimes you have to go on when you don’t feel like it, and sometimes you’re doing good work when it feels like all you’re managing to do is shovel sh*t from a sitting position” (King 77-78, 2000)

And suddenly, the mountains of Logical Reasoning questions, the myriad of projects around Los Angeles, and all the other goals in between were calibrated for what they were: worthy efforts towards even worthier ends. And honestly, after 12 months of hard work, growth, and a lot of exploration of my mind and the world around me, I can affirm that the work was worth it all. I worked hard in 2018, and I’m proud that my focus and resolve helped me get to a new phase in life.

So for 2019, I am thusly resolved to focus on the other aspects of what makes me ‘me’—that is, focus on reading more, writing here more, and investing in my physical and mental health. And more than ever, enjoying the little moments, be they breathless or benign. I’m excited to really start this project in earnest.